About

The author is one of America’s foremost adventurers, and widely considered America’s greatest living man of letters.

The Substrategist grew up on a small farm in central Texas. At age 18, he attended Harvard University and earned bachelor’s degrees in economics and world literature.

While writing for The Times of London, he famously predicted the outbreak of World War I in his 1913 op-ed piece “This sure seems like some sort of powder-keg, am I right?”. By the late 1920s, the Substrategist was a high-ranking official in Department of the Treasury. Upon his resignation in early 1930, he took a decade-long year hiatus in which he climbed Mt. Fuji, single-handedly brought the African elephant to the brink of extinction, introduced the motion-picture camera to India, and incited 6 separate anti-Marxist underground movements, two in eastern Europe and four in Latin America.

After a 1941 bar fight with Ernest Hemingway left him missing his right eye, the Substrategist returned to the United States to serve in the second War World, only to be found 4-F because of his conspicuous eye patch. He spent the war writing for the Cleveland Plain Dealer, where he made a name for himself with his groundbreaking 1943 report “Stalin is seriously creepy”. After the war, he rejected offers to become the first Director of Central Intelligence, instead opting to move to New York, where he later wrote 46 episodes of “I Love Lucy”. During his 1945 stay in NYC, he often commuted to San Francisco, where he helped draft the Charter of the United Nations, as well as the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, after which wild rumors of an affair with Elanor Roosevelt were rampant.

Growing weary of writing, he moved to Algiers in 1956, were he ran a successful import-export business. During his time there, he briefly became the richest man in Algeria, owning 2 nightclubs and a restaurant. In 1963, he was secretly dispatched by the Indian government to negotiate a settlement to the Indo-Pakistani war. He is largely credited with the creation of the line-of-control in Kashmir. Deeding his Algerian properties over to his close friend and future Algerian dictator Houari Boumédienne, the Subtrategist returned to the US, where he worked as a Madison Avenue advertising consultant. During that time, he publicly romanced Swiss bombshell Ursula Andress. The relationship ended in 1967, when Andress discovered the Substrategist’s illicit affair with British actress and Help! star Eleanor Bron.

After accidentally killing his boss in a 1971 back-alley knife fight, he left Madison Avenue to become an ownership partner for Barney’s New York. Within a year, however, he left Barney’s to develop nuclear policy for the Nixon administration. Henry Kissinger described his time working with the Substrategist as “the happiest time of my life”. He was fired by Gerald Ford in 1976.

After leaving the White House, the Substrategist moved to Canada, where he was the head coach of the Edmonton Eskimos for 12 years, leading them to six consecutive CFL Grey Cup trophies.

In 1989, he was the first man to take a hammer to the Berlin Wall.

He successfully negotiated UN Security Council approval for Operation Desert Storm in 1991, and in 1992 served a mission commander on the space shuttle Enterprise.

In 1994, after accepting a professorship at Harvard, he worked with Al Gore, a Harvard alum, to invent the Internet.

For the last thirteen years, the Substrategist has taught anthropology, history, rhetoric, geography, art, and the Yoruba language at Harvard. On the weekends, he plays English horn with the Boston Pops.

He currently lives with his two black labrador retrievers, Rowdy and Colby, in Cambridge, MA.